Raising Baby and the Culture Wars

Judith Warner , a former correspondent for Newsweek in Paris and author of Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety, wrote a blog this week about co-sleeping and the difference between the French and American methods of raising kids. It seems breastfeeding till 18 months, co-sleeping, and making your own baby food instead of feeding babies directly from the table are all things the French find worrisome. The French believe that the nursery has a door for a reason and parents should use it. It was not clear if the French spank, but according to a recent Duke study it doesn’t matter; as long as other mother’s spank too, there is little to no increase in aggressive behavior.

The fact is there is no universal right way of raising children. Bringing up baby is a cultural act, which in turn makes our child-rearing precarious at best. According to Our Babies, Our Selves by Meredith Small, Japanese babies and older children sleep in between their parents. The !Kung San of the Kalahari desert allow their babies to cry for less then 30 seconds between birth and nine months of age. Are any of them wrong? According to American standards…yes, but according to their cultures…no. Good or bad parenting is mostly a cultural phenomena, which makes me a bit squeamish. I am walking around judging myself on standards that have no proof of bringing up a “good” kid. If they were proven to do so, wouldn’t we be following the French or vice versa? Wouldn’t some country or tribe have the market on well rounded citizens?

“Specialists” would have us believe there is a “right” way of parenting which of course, leads to passing judgment on those who don’t follow these newly-minted suggestions. What we forget is that these suggestions are just that….suggestions. Many of which will be outdated 20 years from now. Want proof? Think about how your parents raised you.

In play groups and at my kids’ schools I hear wonderfully-veiled, judgmental phrases like: “I would never do that.” On a Yahoo! site I subscribe to, I have read mothers calling each other “irresponsible” and “stupid.” All this name calling is based on a cultural biased that has more to do with socio-economic standing, color of your skin, immigrant status and mostly, belief system. Katie Holmes can have a quiet birth; just because many of us didn’t, doesn’t mean it cannot be done. And it doesn’t mean you or I are any less for not having them. Fanaticism is defined as an extreme and often irrational enthusiasm or belief. When one mother openly calls another mother “stupid” for espousing a view that she does not agree with, is that not fanaticism?

As a mother, I admit to passing judgment on others. Passing judgment allows one to feel better than those being judged. What exactly am I afraid of? I’m afraid that what I know to be true for our family, for our personal culture, is wrong because some “specialist” and therefore all mothers have said so. I have spanked my children, and there are days I can relate to, and sympathize with Susan Smith, the South Carolina mother who drowned her kids. This culture says I’m not a worthy mother if I admit to these things. So, I am left either feeling guilty or forced to redefine the culture to fit my needs. Who’s wrong? Who’s right? And does it really matter.

Messed up people have managed to raise amazing kids. Good people have managed to raise messed up kids. You can say what you want about my occasional hand raising to my kids, but it's really all one big gamble. Besides, in 20 years, we’re all gonna be wrong anyway.